Letting your guard down

A year and a half or so ago I fell in love for the first time. Well let me change that.

I fell completely in love with no hesitations, limitations or walls up. I have been in love before but it has always been a guarded love. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it usually did. This doesn't mean that I didn't have my heart broken those times because any form of letting go makes people vulnerable but I never got to experience the pure ecstasy that comes with just letting go and loving.

Well I met a guy about two and a half years ago. Initially I thought he had the nicest smile and I'm a sucker for a guy with a nice smile. He was also fun to talk to and had goals similar to mine. Now I figured that this guy would probably be a cool friend but nothing more would happen from there. About five months later, we both realized that there was a mutual attraction between us. We also knew that we were not in a position to rush into a full fledged relationship. We agreed to spend time together and if anything changed (in terms of feelings), we would revisit the subject.

Toward the end of that year, I realized that I was falling for this guy. We connected on so many levels and some of the best times we had were when we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. I expressed my growing feelings toward him and was immediately met with resistance. I was hurt and didn't really understand why he was so immediately closed to me sharing my growing feelings with him.

Now another year and a half has passed and I am still very much in love with him but I have decided to try to refocus my energy on being open to meeting someone new. I will always hope that he will decide to fully let me into his life and heart but I hurt more each day my sentiments are not reciprocated or even acknowledged. Now you may automatically think that I am regretful of everything that has happened between us since we aren't working on building a relationship but it's actually the exact opposite.

I am so glad that I was able to meet him and freely fall in love with him. It lets me know that I was right about my capacity for love and it gives me hope that I can feel this way again. Of course, I will always have a small hope that he will call me up one day and profess his love for me along with his desire to build a relationship with me but I have to be realistic. Unfortunately he is not able to accept my unconditional capacity for loving him and I have to accept that.

Life's lessons never seem to stop.