He looked me in my eye with sincere curiosity and said, "What do you want?"
I had a hard time articulating exactly what I wanted. I know in my heart what I want, but for some reason the words don't come easily to me. I know that I'm not looking for a relationship but I do want him. I just want to be able to consider the future possibility and work toward getting to know more about him and where he comes from.
This is funny because right now society is telling me that I should be in "production mode". As a 28 year old woman, I am supposed to be searching for my husband and preparing myself to start making babies, getting ready to find that house in the suburbs. I'm not ready for all of that. What I am ready for is the possibility for love, unconditionally.
Now that's not very easy to find so I decided not to look for it. I figured that I would focus on myself and building my career. I figured that since I couldn't actively control love, I would just make myself open to the possibility of it and let it run it's course.
I don't know if that was the best decision because it hasn't prevented me from getting hurt but it has made me feel more comfortable with the things that I have done because I know that I'm doing them with a pure heart.
June 24, 2006
June 22, 2006
Appreciation
Have you ever met someone and you were instantly drawn to them? Not necessarily in a physical, carnal way but in a more intimate way.
Well a couple of years ago I met a guy and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a romantic thing. It was a natural thing. From the moment I saw him, a beauty radiated from within him. He was going through a lot of personal turmoil but I could always see his beautiful spirit. As time went on, our relationship morphed into one that involved romance but due to life issues, we haven't been in a place where we could explore romance. We are still friends though. Sometimes it saddens me because every time I see him, his spirit radiates but he can't seem to connect with it.
I so often wish that he could see himself the way I see him, a strong, beautiful, graceful man who has this huge capability for love. I guess that's why I love him.
Well a couple of years ago I met a guy and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a romantic thing. It was a natural thing. From the moment I saw him, a beauty radiated from within him. He was going through a lot of personal turmoil but I could always see his beautiful spirit. As time went on, our relationship morphed into one that involved romance but due to life issues, we haven't been in a place where we could explore romance. We are still friends though. Sometimes it saddens me because every time I see him, his spirit radiates but he can't seem to connect with it.
I so often wish that he could see himself the way I see him, a strong, beautiful, graceful man who has this huge capability for love. I guess that's why I love him.
June 12, 2006
Letting your guard down
A year and a half or so ago I fell in love for the first time. Well let me change that.
I fell completely in love with no hesitations, limitations or walls up. I have been in love before but it has always been a guarded love. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it usually did. This doesn't mean that I didn't have my heart broken those times because any form of letting go makes people vulnerable but I never got to experience the pure ecstasy that comes with just letting go and loving.
Well I met a guy about two and a half years ago. Initially I thought he had the nicest smile and I'm a sucker for a guy with a nice smile. He was also fun to talk to and had goals similar to mine. Now I figured that this guy would probably be a cool friend but nothing more would happen from there. About five months later, we both realized that there was a mutual attraction between us. We also knew that we were not in a position to rush into a full fledged relationship. We agreed to spend time together and if anything changed (in terms of feelings), we would revisit the subject.
Toward the end of that year, I realized that I was falling for this guy. We connected on so many levels and some of the best times we had were when we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. I expressed my growing feelings toward him and was immediately met with resistance. I was hurt and didn't really understand why he was so immediately closed to me sharing my growing feelings with him.
Now another year and a half has passed and I am still very much in love with him but I have decided to try to refocus my energy on being open to meeting someone new. I will always hope that he will decide to fully let me into his life and heart but I hurt more each day my sentiments are not reciprocated or even acknowledged. Now you may automatically think that I am regretful of everything that has happened between us since we aren't working on building a relationship but it's actually the exact opposite.
I am so glad that I was able to meet him and freely fall in love with him. It lets me know that I was right about my capacity for love and it gives me hope that I can feel this way again. Of course, I will always have a small hope that he will call me up one day and profess his love for me along with his desire to build a relationship with me but I have to be realistic. Unfortunately he is not able to accept my unconditional capacity for loving him and I have to accept that.
Life's lessons never seem to stop.
I fell completely in love with no hesitations, limitations or walls up. I have been in love before but it has always been a guarded love. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it usually did. This doesn't mean that I didn't have my heart broken those times because any form of letting go makes people vulnerable but I never got to experience the pure ecstasy that comes with just letting go and loving.
Well I met a guy about two and a half years ago. Initially I thought he had the nicest smile and I'm a sucker for a guy with a nice smile. He was also fun to talk to and had goals similar to mine. Now I figured that this guy would probably be a cool friend but nothing more would happen from there. About five months later, we both realized that there was a mutual attraction between us. We also knew that we were not in a position to rush into a full fledged relationship. We agreed to spend time together and if anything changed (in terms of feelings), we would revisit the subject.
Toward the end of that year, I realized that I was falling for this guy. We connected on so many levels and some of the best times we had were when we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. I expressed my growing feelings toward him and was immediately met with resistance. I was hurt and didn't really understand why he was so immediately closed to me sharing my growing feelings with him.
Now another year and a half has passed and I am still very much in love with him but I have decided to try to refocus my energy on being open to meeting someone new. I will always hope that he will decide to fully let me into his life and heart but I hurt more each day my sentiments are not reciprocated or even acknowledged. Now you may automatically think that I am regretful of everything that has happened between us since we aren't working on building a relationship but it's actually the exact opposite.
I am so glad that I was able to meet him and freely fall in love with him. It lets me know that I was right about my capacity for love and it gives me hope that I can feel this way again. Of course, I will always have a small hope that he will call me up one day and profess his love for me along with his desire to build a relationship with me but I have to be realistic. Unfortunately he is not able to accept my unconditional capacity for loving him and I have to accept that.
Life's lessons never seem to stop.
June 11, 2006
Take me as I am
Ok,
I am quite tired and worn down by people right now. Why is it that people say they want to get to know you and then get frustrated when they can't put you in a category?
It doesn't make sense to me. I'm an enigma. I've always been one. I don't fit squarely into one category or the other and I've found that many people are the same. Unfortunately those people tend to feel some sort of unrealistic pressure to squeeze themselves into the aforementioned box in order to make everyone else happy. I refuse to alter my existence simply to make someone else happy. If I'm not happy with the alteration, it doesn't make sense for me to make it.
I guess some of you may say that's an arrogant and selfish way to live life but I'm happy. My friends and family are happy with who I am. The only people who have problems with me are those who feel the need to take one aspect of my character and make that be "who I am". I guess that's what we're taught. Everyone is a "type" and if you can't typecast them and "figure them out" then you shouldn't be bothered with them. I guess it's an overall issue of control. If you think you've got someone pegged then you can control some aspect of that person because you "know what makes them tick".
Hell, I don't always even know what makes me tick and I live inside my own skin. I think that's a bit arrogant and selfish to profess to know what makes someone tick and base your actions toward that person on that "knowledge".
I am quite tired and worn down by people right now. Why is it that people say they want to get to know you and then get frustrated when they can't put you in a category?
It doesn't make sense to me. I'm an enigma. I've always been one. I don't fit squarely into one category or the other and I've found that many people are the same. Unfortunately those people tend to feel some sort of unrealistic pressure to squeeze themselves into the aforementioned box in order to make everyone else happy. I refuse to alter my existence simply to make someone else happy. If I'm not happy with the alteration, it doesn't make sense for me to make it.
I guess some of you may say that's an arrogant and selfish way to live life but I'm happy. My friends and family are happy with who I am. The only people who have problems with me are those who feel the need to take one aspect of my character and make that be "who I am". I guess that's what we're taught. Everyone is a "type" and if you can't typecast them and "figure them out" then you shouldn't be bothered with them. I guess it's an overall issue of control. If you think you've got someone pegged then you can control some aspect of that person because you "know what makes them tick".
Hell, I don't always even know what makes me tick and I live inside my own skin. I think that's a bit arrogant and selfish to profess to know what makes someone tick and base your actions toward that person on that "knowledge".
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