Change and loss

Well this has been an interesting year for me so far. The debauchery that I was hoping for has not materialized, however it has been a productive year for work. I just finished shooting the second season of Hell Date. I created a new blog called www.cluelessfashionista.com

Early this year I realized that I was ready to make some major changes in my life. One of those changes was being ready for a relationship but it has been slow going on that front. I figured out a long time ago that I can't control people but I can control my attitude towards them. I am working on being more open towards guys that I meet and am interested in. It didn't work out so well recently but I digress. I invited someone to be a part of my year of debauchery and he couldn't step up to the plate. His loss.

Something else I have had to deal with a lot this year is loss. Earlier this year, my grandfather passed away. He had been battling pancreatic cancer for a while and he couldn't keep fighting. I'm glad he's out of pain but I do miss him a lot. I also lost two of my high school classmates. One was a guy that was my basketball player when I was a cheerleader. When I was in high school, the cheerleaders were assigned a player during the season. We would decorate their lockers before the games and bring them donuts. As a basketball cheerleader, I had a girl basketball player and a guy basketball player. The second guy that passed away was a guy that I knew from around. He was a popular guy that I didn't really know knew who I was until one day after he had graduated (he was a year older than me), he saw me and spoke to me. He was cool ever since them. We even talked on myspace recently. It was sad when these guys died because they were so young and had so much of their lives ahead of them.

I've also had to deal with loss through my friends. One of my oldest friends lost her brother to a senseless act of violence very recently. One of my close friends lost her father as well. Although I didn't have direct relationships with their family members, I still feel their loss.

With all of this loss going on around me, I am realizing that I need to make every moment of my life count. I shouldn't sit on my heels and wait for someone to give me permission to do what makes me most happy. Neither should anyone else.