Well I went to the Mary J. Blige concert last night at Hi Fi Buys Amphitheater here in Atlanta. I must say...it was one of the best concerts I've seen ever!
I've been a Mary fan for years (it took me some time to get into her fan club but now I'm securely rooted in it) and I've never had the opportunity to make it to one of her concerts. Now I did have the great honor of seeing her and Jay-Z perform "Can't Knock the Hustle" during his Jay-Z and friends concert that was supposed to be the Jay-Z and R. Kelly concert. (I really hope I got the song name right. I suck at remembering song names). That was a GREAT performance and I love that song but it was still a very small dose of Mary. It has been really cool watching her grow and change over the years.
Last night's concert was like Mary full circle for me. Plus it was something that I really needed. It has been a long summer for me and I haven't been able to travel and really explore like I would have liked to but all of that was released last night. Mary took us all to church! She is definitely the voice of the people. Her ability to speak to her pain, triumphs, courage and faith is unbelieveable. She sounded wonderful and looked fab-u-lous!
I was transported out of my body as I swayed, sang and even teared up during the show. That was truly one of the first concerts I've ever attended where I was truly enveloped in the music. It truly led me back around to the reason why music has played such a major part in my life. Plus, Mary's music has been a big part of the back drop of my life. She sang all of my favorites plus some of my other not-so-favorite favorites. By the end of the night, I was on true sensory overload. As someone who is pretty laid back, that doesn't happen to me very often and it was a wonderful experience!
I don't know where Mary may be headed next on her tour but I would highly recommend that show to ANYONE. If you aren't a true Mary fan, you will be.
August 28, 2006
August 21, 2006
I give up...sorta
Well I did it. I gave in to the "man" and got a "real" job. I now work part time for SunTrust Bank. Mind you, this is a part time gig so I can still work on building my client base in public relations and working with my current clients on the management/business consulting side. But, this new part time gig serves a few purposes.
1. It gets my mom off of my back. She can stop making sideways comments about me not working and I get out of the house every day.
2. I get benefits. Benefits for an individual are quite expensive and it really helps to be able to defer that cost. Granted, my benefits don't become active until I've been with the company for four months, but I'm ok with that. At least I can look forward to having decent insurance coverage.
3. I get stability. Although this is a part time gig, I will be making a steady (albeit not that large) paycheck twice a month. As a Taurus who needs stability, this is just what I need to get my mind off of some of my stability woes and onto making myself the millionaire I am destined to become.
With all of those things said, it was the hardest thing in the world to actually take the job but I feel a lot more proactive doing so. Now I can really push for building. I just got a new client that proves to give me a lot more leverage in the Atlanta market, which is an excellent gateway to other markets (like New York for example). I also have another potentially huge client that's on deck so keep your fingers crossed for me. If all things go well, I am poised to be in a great position by the end of this year.
I'm very excited at this new possibility before me. I'm hoping that I will be able to start traveling between Atlanta and New York on a regular basis really soon. I've decided that it doesn't make sense to move to New York until I can fully support myself in the fabulous lifestyle that I strive to ultimately achieve.
1. It gets my mom off of my back. She can stop making sideways comments about me not working and I get out of the house every day.
2. I get benefits. Benefits for an individual are quite expensive and it really helps to be able to defer that cost. Granted, my benefits don't become active until I've been with the company for four months, but I'm ok with that. At least I can look forward to having decent insurance coverage.
3. I get stability. Although this is a part time gig, I will be making a steady (albeit not that large) paycheck twice a month. As a Taurus who needs stability, this is just what I need to get my mind off of some of my stability woes and onto making myself the millionaire I am destined to become.
With all of those things said, it was the hardest thing in the world to actually take the job but I feel a lot more proactive doing so. Now I can really push for building. I just got a new client that proves to give me a lot more leverage in the Atlanta market, which is an excellent gateway to other markets (like New York for example). I also have another potentially huge client that's on deck so keep your fingers crossed for me. If all things go well, I am poised to be in a great position by the end of this year.
I'm very excited at this new possibility before me. I'm hoping that I will be able to start traveling between Atlanta and New York on a regular basis really soon. I've decided that it doesn't make sense to move to New York until I can fully support myself in the fabulous lifestyle that I strive to ultimately achieve.
August 17, 2006
Time marches on
Today I was talking to one of my close friends and she mentioned a statistic that she'd seen somewhere. Apparently once a woman reaches the age of 27, her eggs begin to lose their freshness or something like that. Now before I wrote this, I did a little digging to see if I could find some kind of medical validation to that little factoid but to no avail. Mind you, I only took maybe 10 minutes to actually research it but in that short time frame, I didn't find anything to substantiate this factoid. That doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, I just couldn't find anything.
However, my research did show me that women are born with a set amount of eggs and as time passes, that number dwindles steadily. This fact did not make things any better. Regardless of how you look at it, women are working against a clock when it comes to the desire to be a mother. Add on to that the fact that as a woman ages, it becomes more and more risky for her to carry a baby to term, I can't help but have some empathy for those women on a mission.
Physiologically it is most advantageous for women and men to procreate while we are in our mid to late 20's because that's when we are physically best able to care for a child. The funny part comes when you consider the psycological and financial ramifications of doing that. Most people that I know who are still in their 20s are not psycologically able to fathom the thought of caring for another human being that's totally dependent on them. True enough plenty of those people have already taken the plunge but I often hear horror stories of demanding schedules and no longer having a life. It just makes me want to run out and make my own baby! (sarcasm, folks)
Then there are the finances. I personally am still working on getting myself to a place where I feel totally comfortable financially. By comfortable, I mean being able to maintain a certain type of lifestyle and allow myself indulgences like travel and the occasional extravagent purchase from time to time. Many of my peers aren't at that comfortable place on their own so I can only imagine if they had kids, who can really reduce that margin of comfort if it isn't really plush. Now I'm not talking bad about those people who do decide to procreate and make little ones because being a parent is one of the hardest and most rewarding things in the world but maybe we should do more to prepare ourselves for parenthood.
As a woman in her late 20s, I am constantly being bombarded with questions about why I haven't "settled down to start a family". And now there are medical facts out there to further substantiate the questioning. I refuse to give in to the pressure. Aside from the fact that I refuse to just settle for any man and become a veritable breeder of little humans, I am by no means ready to take on that responsibility. I shouldn't be judged because I'm not ready either. Besides since my eggs are in such short supply, I should really be selective about who I decide to let sperminate them. My eggs are a precious commodity and should be handled with care with no outside influence.
However, my research did show me that women are born with a set amount of eggs and as time passes, that number dwindles steadily. This fact did not make things any better. Regardless of how you look at it, women are working against a clock when it comes to the desire to be a mother. Add on to that the fact that as a woman ages, it becomes more and more risky for her to carry a baby to term, I can't help but have some empathy for those women on a mission.
Physiologically it is most advantageous for women and men to procreate while we are in our mid to late 20's because that's when we are physically best able to care for a child. The funny part comes when you consider the psycological and financial ramifications of doing that. Most people that I know who are still in their 20s are not psycologically able to fathom the thought of caring for another human being that's totally dependent on them. True enough plenty of those people have already taken the plunge but I often hear horror stories of demanding schedules and no longer having a life. It just makes me want to run out and make my own baby! (sarcasm, folks)
Then there are the finances. I personally am still working on getting myself to a place where I feel totally comfortable financially. By comfortable, I mean being able to maintain a certain type of lifestyle and allow myself indulgences like travel and the occasional extravagent purchase from time to time. Many of my peers aren't at that comfortable place on their own so I can only imagine if they had kids, who can really reduce that margin of comfort if it isn't really plush. Now I'm not talking bad about those people who do decide to procreate and make little ones because being a parent is one of the hardest and most rewarding things in the world but maybe we should do more to prepare ourselves for parenthood.
As a woman in her late 20s, I am constantly being bombarded with questions about why I haven't "settled down to start a family". And now there are medical facts out there to further substantiate the questioning. I refuse to give in to the pressure. Aside from the fact that I refuse to just settle for any man and become a veritable breeder of little humans, I am by no means ready to take on that responsibility. I shouldn't be judged because I'm not ready either. Besides since my eggs are in such short supply, I should really be selective about who I decide to let sperminate them. My eggs are a precious commodity and should be handled with care with no outside influence.
August 13, 2006
When do you give up?
I tend to make it a point to surround myself with people that are sincere and real within their own skin. I think that everyone should focus on surrounding themselves by people who are supportive and genuinely care about their personal well being. I don't believe in letting people into my personal space that only seek to take and not give back. I call those people vampires. I may do a blog about that at a later time so I won't digress here.
Well over time I have worked to surround myself with people who fill me up with positivity just as much as I seek to do the same for them. Now in doing this, I tend to be really slow to let new people into my life fully. It typically takes a while before I allow someone to be close to me, especially intimately. I am a fiercely loyal person, a truly Taurean trait. When I decide that someone can be close to me, I will always have their back. Sometimes my mom says that I can be loyal to a fault and I suppose there is some truth to that.
As I have gotten older and more in tune to my own personal intuition, I am even more fiercely loyal, especially when I am drawn to someone in spite of myself (sometimes). If something tells me that this person is worth the extra effort, I have no problem putting it forth.
Right now I have someone in my life that I believe is worth the effort but in spite of all of my sincere efforts, I can't seem to properly convey that loyalty to this person. I have been a fierce supporter and loyal friend to this person but he constantly questions me at every step. I have never asked him for anything but his ability to allow himself to trust me. Now, I realize that trust comes in time, which is why I am understanding about his desire to question me at times. However, I am starting to grow weary of trying to show him that he can trust me and trust in me. I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever come to pass.
I like to believe that patience is an important virtue in life and I know that in strength lies the ability to be patient but sometimes I worry about this situation. Sometimes I get so frustrated with trying to do what my heart tells me that I wonder if it will ever end. I am waiting to see if something will tell me to walk away but it hasn't in spite of his apparent inability to see my sincerity.
I guess since I made it a point to listen more closely to my inner voice, I will continue to do what I've been doing and wait to see how things will ultimately turn out.
Well over time I have worked to surround myself with people who fill me up with positivity just as much as I seek to do the same for them. Now in doing this, I tend to be really slow to let new people into my life fully. It typically takes a while before I allow someone to be close to me, especially intimately. I am a fiercely loyal person, a truly Taurean trait. When I decide that someone can be close to me, I will always have their back. Sometimes my mom says that I can be loyal to a fault and I suppose there is some truth to that.
As I have gotten older and more in tune to my own personal intuition, I am even more fiercely loyal, especially when I am drawn to someone in spite of myself (sometimes). If something tells me that this person is worth the extra effort, I have no problem putting it forth.
Right now I have someone in my life that I believe is worth the effort but in spite of all of my sincere efforts, I can't seem to properly convey that loyalty to this person. I have been a fierce supporter and loyal friend to this person but he constantly questions me at every step. I have never asked him for anything but his ability to allow himself to trust me. Now, I realize that trust comes in time, which is why I am understanding about his desire to question me at times. However, I am starting to grow weary of trying to show him that he can trust me and trust in me. I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever come to pass.
I like to believe that patience is an important virtue in life and I know that in strength lies the ability to be patient but sometimes I worry about this situation. Sometimes I get so frustrated with trying to do what my heart tells me that I wonder if it will ever end. I am waiting to see if something will tell me to walk away but it hasn't in spite of his apparent inability to see my sincerity.
I guess since I made it a point to listen more closely to my inner voice, I will continue to do what I've been doing and wait to see how things will ultimately turn out.
August 12, 2006
One of my many theories...
Well since you're checking out my blogspace, I figure I can start running my theories by you. I have tons of them. I am a consummate observer of the world. As I've gotten older, I have made it a point to tune in more to my intuition and that little voice in my head. Well I've noticed a pretty common phenomenon that makes me further understand why many people think that men and women can't be "just friends".
Ok, I'm sure everyone has either had one or been one. You meet someone who's very cool. You two get along very well. This person can be only mildly attractive or out right gorgeous. The relationship may or may not start off as a romantic one but it eventually turns into a friendship.
Now initially you may think that this is cool. You met a cool person that turned into a good friend. Wrong!
What you have done is fed into a very common phenomenon. Instead of having friends, guys have "fan clubs" and ladies have "dicks in a glass". Basically what this amounts to is someone who you keep in your life that can turn into a romantic situation at any time. All it takes is for you to make the suggestion and your friend turns into more than a friend. I call them fan club members for guys because they tend to be your biggest cheerleader. All they want is for you to be happy (even if it's not with them) because they care so much. I call them dicks in a glass for women because it's like an emergency boyfriend. All you have to do is break the glass and you have a man.
Now there is nothing wrong with this type of friend but they must be recognized for what they are. They also must be recognized because if you have decided that they will never become a significant other, they will always pose and issue when you do get into a relationship with someone else. Your boyfriend/girlfriend will sense the vibe and immediately dislike the person and unfortunately you may have to decrease your interaction with this person in order to keep your relationship going in a positive direction. The problem comes when you are determined to keep this "friend" in your life despite of any other relationship you may attempt to have. Another problem is when people have multiple people in this position. If you meet someone who is cool that you don't want to date, you are not obligated to make them your friend. Some people don't need to be major fixtures in your life.
Now I have nothing against fan club members or dicks in a glass but you don't need a brood of them around you. Evaluate your male/female relationships and determine who is a true blue friend and who's a fan club/dick in a glass. Then keep those people in mind when you meet "the one" and want to have a relationship. You may have to cut them off or reduce your contact with them.
Ok, I'm sure everyone has either had one or been one. You meet someone who's very cool. You two get along very well. This person can be only mildly attractive or out right gorgeous. The relationship may or may not start off as a romantic one but it eventually turns into a friendship.
Now initially you may think that this is cool. You met a cool person that turned into a good friend. Wrong!
What you have done is fed into a very common phenomenon. Instead of having friends, guys have "fan clubs" and ladies have "dicks in a glass". Basically what this amounts to is someone who you keep in your life that can turn into a romantic situation at any time. All it takes is for you to make the suggestion and your friend turns into more than a friend. I call them fan club members for guys because they tend to be your biggest cheerleader. All they want is for you to be happy (even if it's not with them) because they care so much. I call them dicks in a glass for women because it's like an emergency boyfriend. All you have to do is break the glass and you have a man.
Now there is nothing wrong with this type of friend but they must be recognized for what they are. They also must be recognized because if you have decided that they will never become a significant other, they will always pose and issue when you do get into a relationship with someone else. Your boyfriend/girlfriend will sense the vibe and immediately dislike the person and unfortunately you may have to decrease your interaction with this person in order to keep your relationship going in a positive direction. The problem comes when you are determined to keep this "friend" in your life despite of any other relationship you may attempt to have. Another problem is when people have multiple people in this position. If you meet someone who is cool that you don't want to date, you are not obligated to make them your friend. Some people don't need to be major fixtures in your life.
Now I have nothing against fan club members or dicks in a glass but you don't need a brood of them around you. Evaluate your male/female relationships and determine who is a true blue friend and who's a fan club/dick in a glass. Then keep those people in mind when you meet "the one" and want to have a relationship. You may have to cut them off or reduce your contact with them.
July 31, 2006
Reunited...my how time flies!
This past weekend I attended my 10 year high school reunion. Time has flown so fast. I can't say that I remember my graduation like it was yesterday but it doesn't seem like it's been 10 whole years since I was just 18 years old.
It was really great seeing some of the people at the reunion. This makes me reflect on my overall high school experience. I realize that I had a really good one. Now I wasn't one of the "popular kids" but I wasn't a "reject or outkast" either. I had my share of friends and I managed to be in the band, on the drill team, a member of the track team and a cheerleader. Yeah I was an avid joiner then too. I had a good time so I was excited about attending my reunion.
For the most part, everyone looked like they were doing well (or able to hide things if they weren't) and having a good time reconnecting. The funny thing was being around certain people and seeing how they haven't changed. There was a particular group of gossipy girls who were always talking about other people and pointing out the negative in every situation. This same group of girls have now grown into a group of women who do the very same thing. It always amazes me how running into people from my past can remind me why I don't really keep in touch with those people.
Overall, my 10 year high school reunion was a pleasant experience. I would definitely attend the 20 year. It will be interesting to see how those folks age and how many more kids they have.
It was really great seeing some of the people at the reunion. This makes me reflect on my overall high school experience. I realize that I had a really good one. Now I wasn't one of the "popular kids" but I wasn't a "reject or outkast" either. I had my share of friends and I managed to be in the band, on the drill team, a member of the track team and a cheerleader. Yeah I was an avid joiner then too. I had a good time so I was excited about attending my reunion.
For the most part, everyone looked like they were doing well (or able to hide things if they weren't) and having a good time reconnecting. The funny thing was being around certain people and seeing how they haven't changed. There was a particular group of gossipy girls who were always talking about other people and pointing out the negative in every situation. This same group of girls have now grown into a group of women who do the very same thing. It always amazes me how running into people from my past can remind me why I don't really keep in touch with those people.
Overall, my 10 year high school reunion was a pleasant experience. I would definitely attend the 20 year. It will be interesting to see how those folks age and how many more kids they have.
July 24, 2006
Weddings and Such
This past weekend a good friend of mine got married. The wedding was beautiful. It started on time (promptly at 5:59 according to my watch) and was basically wrapped up by 8pm. The location was gorgeously over decorated but everything was really striking and pretty.
For the first time in my life, I felt a small pang as I watched the ceremony. I suppose this is the beginnings of my biological clock ticking. According to society and everyone else I come across, my clock has been quite slow to start moving. I still don't feel in any way ready for the whole marriage thing. I am, however, ready for a relationship.
Now don't get me wrong. I am still quite picky and although I am ready to share my life with someone, I am not willing to accept the first person that comes into my life. I've met some really nice guys who would make great boyfriends...for someone else. I refuse to settle for a "great guy" who isn't so great for me. I have met someone who can fit the bill for a potential boyfriend but as someone who has been single for years (since 1999), I still want to take things really slow.
I guess most women (people) would wonder why I am dallying when it comes to relationships, but I know that the next relationship I get into will be for keeps so I can't take it lightly. I don't plan on dealing with divorce (although I know that most people don't) so I want to do all of the prep work necessary to make sure it's right.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
For the first time in my life, I felt a small pang as I watched the ceremony. I suppose this is the beginnings of my biological clock ticking. According to society and everyone else I come across, my clock has been quite slow to start moving. I still don't feel in any way ready for the whole marriage thing. I am, however, ready for a relationship.
Now don't get me wrong. I am still quite picky and although I am ready to share my life with someone, I am not willing to accept the first person that comes into my life. I've met some really nice guys who would make great boyfriends...for someone else. I refuse to settle for a "great guy" who isn't so great for me. I have met someone who can fit the bill for a potential boyfriend but as someone who has been single for years (since 1999), I still want to take things really slow.
I guess most women (people) would wonder why I am dallying when it comes to relationships, but I know that the next relationship I get into will be for keeps so I can't take it lightly. I don't plan on dealing with divorce (although I know that most people don't) so I want to do all of the prep work necessary to make sure it's right.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
July 16, 2006
Thoughts...
Ever since I graduated from college, life has been a series of revelations and "light bulb moments" (a term often said by Oprah). At one point I would get a major life revelation at least once a month. It was great! I was growing as a person and I enjoyed it. I made peace with a lot of the character traits that I had wrestled with while growing up. I became more and more comfortable with the person that I was and I settled into the idea that growing up is a constant process.
Well lately I have been feeling really stagnant. I feel like I've accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish in this time and I'm ready to move on to the next challenge. Granted, running my business and establishing myself as a public relations consultant/manager/business consultant within the entertainment community is an ongoing challenge for me right now but I feel like I've reached a plateau of sorts.
I have always had a restless spirit. I've always wanted to see, do and experience many different things. Right now my restless spirit is suffering from sensory underload. I should be out experiencing the world and all it has to offer but I'm stuck here in Atlanta feeling like I'm spinning my wheels and making very little progress. I guess this is yet another life lesson for me. I have to figure out how to jumpstart my career (and the careers of the people associated with me) and push myself into the next stage of my life.
I guess I will keep waiting and working on getting that next "light bulb moment". Wish me luck!
Well lately I have been feeling really stagnant. I feel like I've accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish in this time and I'm ready to move on to the next challenge. Granted, running my business and establishing myself as a public relations consultant/manager/business consultant within the entertainment community is an ongoing challenge for me right now but I feel like I've reached a plateau of sorts.
I have always had a restless spirit. I've always wanted to see, do and experience many different things. Right now my restless spirit is suffering from sensory underload. I should be out experiencing the world and all it has to offer but I'm stuck here in Atlanta feeling like I'm spinning my wheels and making very little progress. I guess this is yet another life lesson for me. I have to figure out how to jumpstart my career (and the careers of the people associated with me) and push myself into the next stage of my life.
I guess I will keep waiting and working on getting that next "light bulb moment". Wish me luck!
June 24, 2006
What do I want?
He looked me in my eye with sincere curiosity and said, "What do you want?"
I had a hard time articulating exactly what I wanted. I know in my heart what I want, but for some reason the words don't come easily to me. I know that I'm not looking for a relationship but I do want him. I just want to be able to consider the future possibility and work toward getting to know more about him and where he comes from.
This is funny because right now society is telling me that I should be in "production mode". As a 28 year old woman, I am supposed to be searching for my husband and preparing myself to start making babies, getting ready to find that house in the suburbs. I'm not ready for all of that. What I am ready for is the possibility for love, unconditionally.
Now that's not very easy to find so I decided not to look for it. I figured that I would focus on myself and building my career. I figured that since I couldn't actively control love, I would just make myself open to the possibility of it and let it run it's course.
I don't know if that was the best decision because it hasn't prevented me from getting hurt but it has made me feel more comfortable with the things that I have done because I know that I'm doing them with a pure heart.
I had a hard time articulating exactly what I wanted. I know in my heart what I want, but for some reason the words don't come easily to me. I know that I'm not looking for a relationship but I do want him. I just want to be able to consider the future possibility and work toward getting to know more about him and where he comes from.
This is funny because right now society is telling me that I should be in "production mode". As a 28 year old woman, I am supposed to be searching for my husband and preparing myself to start making babies, getting ready to find that house in the suburbs. I'm not ready for all of that. What I am ready for is the possibility for love, unconditionally.
Now that's not very easy to find so I decided not to look for it. I figured that I would focus on myself and building my career. I figured that since I couldn't actively control love, I would just make myself open to the possibility of it and let it run it's course.
I don't know if that was the best decision because it hasn't prevented me from getting hurt but it has made me feel more comfortable with the things that I have done because I know that I'm doing them with a pure heart.
June 22, 2006
Appreciation
Have you ever met someone and you were instantly drawn to them? Not necessarily in a physical, carnal way but in a more intimate way.
Well a couple of years ago I met a guy and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a romantic thing. It was a natural thing. From the moment I saw him, a beauty radiated from within him. He was going through a lot of personal turmoil but I could always see his beautiful spirit. As time went on, our relationship morphed into one that involved romance but due to life issues, we haven't been in a place where we could explore romance. We are still friends though. Sometimes it saddens me because every time I see him, his spirit radiates but he can't seem to connect with it.
I so often wish that he could see himself the way I see him, a strong, beautiful, graceful man who has this huge capability for love. I guess that's why I love him.
Well a couple of years ago I met a guy and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a romantic thing. It was a natural thing. From the moment I saw him, a beauty radiated from within him. He was going through a lot of personal turmoil but I could always see his beautiful spirit. As time went on, our relationship morphed into one that involved romance but due to life issues, we haven't been in a place where we could explore romance. We are still friends though. Sometimes it saddens me because every time I see him, his spirit radiates but he can't seem to connect with it.
I so often wish that he could see himself the way I see him, a strong, beautiful, graceful man who has this huge capability for love. I guess that's why I love him.
June 12, 2006
Letting your guard down
A year and a half or so ago I fell in love for the first time. Well let me change that.
I fell completely in love with no hesitations, limitations or walls up. I have been in love before but it has always been a guarded love. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it usually did. This doesn't mean that I didn't have my heart broken those times because any form of letting go makes people vulnerable but I never got to experience the pure ecstasy that comes with just letting go and loving.
Well I met a guy about two and a half years ago. Initially I thought he had the nicest smile and I'm a sucker for a guy with a nice smile. He was also fun to talk to and had goals similar to mine. Now I figured that this guy would probably be a cool friend but nothing more would happen from there. About five months later, we both realized that there was a mutual attraction between us. We also knew that we were not in a position to rush into a full fledged relationship. We agreed to spend time together and if anything changed (in terms of feelings), we would revisit the subject.
Toward the end of that year, I realized that I was falling for this guy. We connected on so many levels and some of the best times we had were when we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. I expressed my growing feelings toward him and was immediately met with resistance. I was hurt and didn't really understand why he was so immediately closed to me sharing my growing feelings with him.
Now another year and a half has passed and I am still very much in love with him but I have decided to try to refocus my energy on being open to meeting someone new. I will always hope that he will decide to fully let me into his life and heart but I hurt more each day my sentiments are not reciprocated or even acknowledged. Now you may automatically think that I am regretful of everything that has happened between us since we aren't working on building a relationship but it's actually the exact opposite.
I am so glad that I was able to meet him and freely fall in love with him. It lets me know that I was right about my capacity for love and it gives me hope that I can feel this way again. Of course, I will always have a small hope that he will call me up one day and profess his love for me along with his desire to build a relationship with me but I have to be realistic. Unfortunately he is not able to accept my unconditional capacity for loving him and I have to accept that.
Life's lessons never seem to stop.
I fell completely in love with no hesitations, limitations or walls up. I have been in love before but it has always been a guarded love. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it usually did. This doesn't mean that I didn't have my heart broken those times because any form of letting go makes people vulnerable but I never got to experience the pure ecstasy that comes with just letting go and loving.
Well I met a guy about two and a half years ago. Initially I thought he had the nicest smile and I'm a sucker for a guy with a nice smile. He was also fun to talk to and had goals similar to mine. Now I figured that this guy would probably be a cool friend but nothing more would happen from there. About five months later, we both realized that there was a mutual attraction between us. We also knew that we were not in a position to rush into a full fledged relationship. We agreed to spend time together and if anything changed (in terms of feelings), we would revisit the subject.
Toward the end of that year, I realized that I was falling for this guy. We connected on so many levels and some of the best times we had were when we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. I expressed my growing feelings toward him and was immediately met with resistance. I was hurt and didn't really understand why he was so immediately closed to me sharing my growing feelings with him.
Now another year and a half has passed and I am still very much in love with him but I have decided to try to refocus my energy on being open to meeting someone new. I will always hope that he will decide to fully let me into his life and heart but I hurt more each day my sentiments are not reciprocated or even acknowledged. Now you may automatically think that I am regretful of everything that has happened between us since we aren't working on building a relationship but it's actually the exact opposite.
I am so glad that I was able to meet him and freely fall in love with him. It lets me know that I was right about my capacity for love and it gives me hope that I can feel this way again. Of course, I will always have a small hope that he will call me up one day and profess his love for me along with his desire to build a relationship with me but I have to be realistic. Unfortunately he is not able to accept my unconditional capacity for loving him and I have to accept that.
Life's lessons never seem to stop.
June 11, 2006
Take me as I am
Ok,
I am quite tired and worn down by people right now. Why is it that people say they want to get to know you and then get frustrated when they can't put you in a category?
It doesn't make sense to me. I'm an enigma. I've always been one. I don't fit squarely into one category or the other and I've found that many people are the same. Unfortunately those people tend to feel some sort of unrealistic pressure to squeeze themselves into the aforementioned box in order to make everyone else happy. I refuse to alter my existence simply to make someone else happy. If I'm not happy with the alteration, it doesn't make sense for me to make it.
I guess some of you may say that's an arrogant and selfish way to live life but I'm happy. My friends and family are happy with who I am. The only people who have problems with me are those who feel the need to take one aspect of my character and make that be "who I am". I guess that's what we're taught. Everyone is a "type" and if you can't typecast them and "figure them out" then you shouldn't be bothered with them. I guess it's an overall issue of control. If you think you've got someone pegged then you can control some aspect of that person because you "know what makes them tick".
Hell, I don't always even know what makes me tick and I live inside my own skin. I think that's a bit arrogant and selfish to profess to know what makes someone tick and base your actions toward that person on that "knowledge".
I am quite tired and worn down by people right now. Why is it that people say they want to get to know you and then get frustrated when they can't put you in a category?
It doesn't make sense to me. I'm an enigma. I've always been one. I don't fit squarely into one category or the other and I've found that many people are the same. Unfortunately those people tend to feel some sort of unrealistic pressure to squeeze themselves into the aforementioned box in order to make everyone else happy. I refuse to alter my existence simply to make someone else happy. If I'm not happy with the alteration, it doesn't make sense for me to make it.
I guess some of you may say that's an arrogant and selfish way to live life but I'm happy. My friends and family are happy with who I am. The only people who have problems with me are those who feel the need to take one aspect of my character and make that be "who I am". I guess that's what we're taught. Everyone is a "type" and if you can't typecast them and "figure them out" then you shouldn't be bothered with them. I guess it's an overall issue of control. If you think you've got someone pegged then you can control some aspect of that person because you "know what makes them tick".
Hell, I don't always even know what makes me tick and I live inside my own skin. I think that's a bit arrogant and selfish to profess to know what makes someone tick and base your actions toward that person on that "knowledge".
May 28, 2006
How important is sex?
Fairly recently I decided that I would make myself available to meet someone new. Well I met a really nice guy a couple of months ago and I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and take the time to get to know him. Well he's a perfect example of the one that you can "take home to mamma". He has a good job, a house and stability. There's only one problem though.
I have no desire to jump his bones when I see him.
He's not unattractive but I don't have those strong sexual feelings toward him. I shared these thoughts with my friends and one of them thought that it might be good that I don't want to sleep with him as often as possible but I'm not so sure.
To me sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship but I wonder if I'm putting too much emphasis on it in this instance. We click pretty well in other categories so maybe the sex stuff would come later?
Is it shallow or unrealistic to want the stability, good conversation and comfort to be all wrapped around an unmistakeable physical attraction?
I have no desire to jump his bones when I see him.
He's not unattractive but I don't have those strong sexual feelings toward him. I shared these thoughts with my friends and one of them thought that it might be good that I don't want to sleep with him as often as possible but I'm not so sure.
To me sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship but I wonder if I'm putting too much emphasis on it in this instance. We click pretty well in other categories so maybe the sex stuff would come later?
Is it shallow or unrealistic to want the stability, good conversation and comfort to be all wrapped around an unmistakeable physical attraction?
May 22, 2006
Desperation is not pretty...
Well my career of choice is within the film, music and fashion industries. I've been drawn toward that industry ever since I was a freshman in college and despite a few attempts otherwise, that's where my heart lies. I learned early on that I would not be happy unless I was doing exactly what I wanted because then it wouldn't feel like work. The only thing that I would do in other industries is some form of event coordination or business consulting.
Recently I discovered that my calling is to use my skills and abilities to help other people succeed. I've been working in various administrative positions since I was a senior in high school which is why my company is a business consulting and management firm. I like to help people in the best way possible.
Well since I started working on my career more hardcore in the past few years, I have noticed an unsavory quality in many of my business dealings. There are a lot of people that I have had business dealings with who had a desperate quality to them. They are either desperate for money, attention, acceptance or anything else that they need outside sources for. This desperation is usually very evident and apparent and easy to exploit. I choose not to exploit it simply because I choose not to operate on that level.
Desperation...it's a very bad quality to allow yourself to possess. Everyone has hard times and rough patches in life but once you allow desperation to take over, you force yourself into a corner. Desperate people are easy to find and they allow themselves to get into compromising positions because all they see is that thing they are desperate for. Unfortunately I think it is what prevents many people from ultimately succeeding no matter how talented they may be. It's a sad thing that I've seen much more of in the entertainment industry than anywhere else. I'm sure it manifests itself in other areas but entertainment is so larger than life that it's twice as apparent.
Recently I discovered that my calling is to use my skills and abilities to help other people succeed. I've been working in various administrative positions since I was a senior in high school which is why my company is a business consulting and management firm. I like to help people in the best way possible.
Well since I started working on my career more hardcore in the past few years, I have noticed an unsavory quality in many of my business dealings. There are a lot of people that I have had business dealings with who had a desperate quality to them. They are either desperate for money, attention, acceptance or anything else that they need outside sources for. This desperation is usually very evident and apparent and easy to exploit. I choose not to exploit it simply because I choose not to operate on that level.
Desperation...it's a very bad quality to allow yourself to possess. Everyone has hard times and rough patches in life but once you allow desperation to take over, you force yourself into a corner. Desperate people are easy to find and they allow themselves to get into compromising positions because all they see is that thing they are desperate for. Unfortunately I think it is what prevents many people from ultimately succeeding no matter how talented they may be. It's a sad thing that I've seen much more of in the entertainment industry than anywhere else. I'm sure it manifests itself in other areas but entertainment is so larger than life that it's twice as apparent.
May 18, 2006
Assumptions can be destructive
Hello and welcome to my blog. I am a 28 year old living in Atlanta. I have my own management and business consulting firm and I do public relations consulting as well. I work primarily in the entertainment and fashion industries. Last weekend I graduated from grad school with my MBA. The weekend before that, I turned 28.
Life is really in a tailspin for me right now. I have been working constantly for the past three years and I'm officially burned out. My company is slowly experiencing success but it is slow and I am being taught patience in that area.
My dating life is all over the place. Up until a couple of years ago, I was totally against the idea of having a boyfriend. I'm still not out there trolling the clubs and sports bars looking for "the one" or anything but I did decide that I was open to the idea of being in a relationship again after 5 years. When I made that decision, I didn't do it out of desparation so I am still very picky when it comes to guys.
Well late last year I met this guy. He was nice looking but he looked like the typical nice guy, not the typical guy I gravitate toward. I decided to step outside my box and exchanged numbers with him anyway. As it turns out, we had TONS of things in common. It was like he was the male version of me. We could talk about everything and it was really fun spending time with him. Well after we'd been hanging out for a month or so, he disappeared.
This is a common phenomenon with me, guys disappearing. I call them my own personal Houdini's. I called him and emailed him with no response. After a couple of unreturned phone calls and no email messages, I gave up. Well in the summer I work at one of the local amphitheaters part time and he works there full time. I knew I would see him but since I had given up, I wasn't worried. Well he kept making it a point to speak to me. He even had the nerve to ask if I was going to be mad all season. I told him that I wasn't mad but that I really didn't have much to say to him.
Thanks to the miracle of myspace, he found me and sent me a message today. He wants to start up a dialogue with me. I'm not sure why he wants to talk to me especially after his unexplained disappearance before. He proceeds to tell me that he disappeared because I asked him for a status report on our situation and told him that I really liked him. He assumed that meant I was trying to lock him into a relationship.
What the hell? I was very disturbed by that assumption. Why do guys assume that every woman wants to marry him? He hadn't even shown me that he was boyfriend worthy let alone anything more serious. Goodness gracious...
Life is really in a tailspin for me right now. I have been working constantly for the past three years and I'm officially burned out. My company is slowly experiencing success but it is slow and I am being taught patience in that area.
My dating life is all over the place. Up until a couple of years ago, I was totally against the idea of having a boyfriend. I'm still not out there trolling the clubs and sports bars looking for "the one" or anything but I did decide that I was open to the idea of being in a relationship again after 5 years. When I made that decision, I didn't do it out of desparation so I am still very picky when it comes to guys.
Well late last year I met this guy. He was nice looking but he looked like the typical nice guy, not the typical guy I gravitate toward. I decided to step outside my box and exchanged numbers with him anyway. As it turns out, we had TONS of things in common. It was like he was the male version of me. We could talk about everything and it was really fun spending time with him. Well after we'd been hanging out for a month or so, he disappeared.
This is a common phenomenon with me, guys disappearing. I call them my own personal Houdini's. I called him and emailed him with no response. After a couple of unreturned phone calls and no email messages, I gave up. Well in the summer I work at one of the local amphitheaters part time and he works there full time. I knew I would see him but since I had given up, I wasn't worried. Well he kept making it a point to speak to me. He even had the nerve to ask if I was going to be mad all season. I told him that I wasn't mad but that I really didn't have much to say to him.
Thanks to the miracle of myspace, he found me and sent me a message today. He wants to start up a dialogue with me. I'm not sure why he wants to talk to me especially after his unexplained disappearance before. He proceeds to tell me that he disappeared because I asked him for a status report on our situation and told him that I really liked him. He assumed that meant I was trying to lock him into a relationship.
What the hell? I was very disturbed by that assumption. Why do guys assume that every woman wants to marry him? He hadn't even shown me that he was boyfriend worthy let alone anything more serious. Goodness gracious...
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