He looked me in my eye with sincere curiosity and said, "What do you want?"
I had a hard time articulating exactly what I wanted. I know in my heart what I want, but for some reason the words don't come easily to me. I know that I'm not looking for a relationship but I do want him. I just want to be able to consider the future possibility and work toward getting to know more about him and where he comes from.
This is funny because right now society is telling me that I should be in "production mode". As a 28 year old woman, I am supposed to be searching for my husband and preparing myself to start making babies, getting ready to find that house in the suburbs. I'm not ready for all of that. What I am ready for is the possibility for love, unconditionally.
Now that's not very easy to find so I decided not to look for it. I figured that I would focus on myself and building my career. I figured that since I couldn't actively control love, I would just make myself open to the possibility of it and let it run it's course.
I don't know if that was the best decision because it hasn't prevented me from getting hurt but it has made me feel more comfortable with the things that I have done because I know that I'm doing them with a pure heart.
June 24, 2006
June 22, 2006
Appreciation
Have you ever met someone and you were instantly drawn to them? Not necessarily in a physical, carnal way but in a more intimate way.
Well a couple of years ago I met a guy and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a romantic thing. It was a natural thing. From the moment I saw him, a beauty radiated from within him. He was going through a lot of personal turmoil but I could always see his beautiful spirit. As time went on, our relationship morphed into one that involved romance but due to life issues, we haven't been in a place where we could explore romance. We are still friends though. Sometimes it saddens me because every time I see him, his spirit radiates but he can't seem to connect with it.
I so often wish that he could see himself the way I see him, a strong, beautiful, graceful man who has this huge capability for love. I guess that's why I love him.
Well a couple of years ago I met a guy and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a romantic thing. It was a natural thing. From the moment I saw him, a beauty radiated from within him. He was going through a lot of personal turmoil but I could always see his beautiful spirit. As time went on, our relationship morphed into one that involved romance but due to life issues, we haven't been in a place where we could explore romance. We are still friends though. Sometimes it saddens me because every time I see him, his spirit radiates but he can't seem to connect with it.
I so often wish that he could see himself the way I see him, a strong, beautiful, graceful man who has this huge capability for love. I guess that's why I love him.
June 12, 2006
Letting your guard down
A year and a half or so ago I fell in love for the first time. Well let me change that.
I fell completely in love with no hesitations, limitations or walls up. I have been in love before but it has always been a guarded love. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it usually did. This doesn't mean that I didn't have my heart broken those times because any form of letting go makes people vulnerable but I never got to experience the pure ecstasy that comes with just letting go and loving.
Well I met a guy about two and a half years ago. Initially I thought he had the nicest smile and I'm a sucker for a guy with a nice smile. He was also fun to talk to and had goals similar to mine. Now I figured that this guy would probably be a cool friend but nothing more would happen from there. About five months later, we both realized that there was a mutual attraction between us. We also knew that we were not in a position to rush into a full fledged relationship. We agreed to spend time together and if anything changed (in terms of feelings), we would revisit the subject.
Toward the end of that year, I realized that I was falling for this guy. We connected on so many levels and some of the best times we had were when we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. I expressed my growing feelings toward him and was immediately met with resistance. I was hurt and didn't really understand why he was so immediately closed to me sharing my growing feelings with him.
Now another year and a half has passed and I am still very much in love with him but I have decided to try to refocus my energy on being open to meeting someone new. I will always hope that he will decide to fully let me into his life and heart but I hurt more each day my sentiments are not reciprocated or even acknowledged. Now you may automatically think that I am regretful of everything that has happened between us since we aren't working on building a relationship but it's actually the exact opposite.
I am so glad that I was able to meet him and freely fall in love with him. It lets me know that I was right about my capacity for love and it gives me hope that I can feel this way again. Of course, I will always have a small hope that he will call me up one day and profess his love for me along with his desire to build a relationship with me but I have to be realistic. Unfortunately he is not able to accept my unconditional capacity for loving him and I have to accept that.
Life's lessons never seem to stop.
I fell completely in love with no hesitations, limitations or walls up. I have been in love before but it has always been a guarded love. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it usually did. This doesn't mean that I didn't have my heart broken those times because any form of letting go makes people vulnerable but I never got to experience the pure ecstasy that comes with just letting go and loving.
Well I met a guy about two and a half years ago. Initially I thought he had the nicest smile and I'm a sucker for a guy with a nice smile. He was also fun to talk to and had goals similar to mine. Now I figured that this guy would probably be a cool friend but nothing more would happen from there. About five months later, we both realized that there was a mutual attraction between us. We also knew that we were not in a position to rush into a full fledged relationship. We agreed to spend time together and if anything changed (in terms of feelings), we would revisit the subject.
Toward the end of that year, I realized that I was falling for this guy. We connected on so many levels and some of the best times we had were when we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. I expressed my growing feelings toward him and was immediately met with resistance. I was hurt and didn't really understand why he was so immediately closed to me sharing my growing feelings with him.
Now another year and a half has passed and I am still very much in love with him but I have decided to try to refocus my energy on being open to meeting someone new. I will always hope that he will decide to fully let me into his life and heart but I hurt more each day my sentiments are not reciprocated or even acknowledged. Now you may automatically think that I am regretful of everything that has happened between us since we aren't working on building a relationship but it's actually the exact opposite.
I am so glad that I was able to meet him and freely fall in love with him. It lets me know that I was right about my capacity for love and it gives me hope that I can feel this way again. Of course, I will always have a small hope that he will call me up one day and profess his love for me along with his desire to build a relationship with me but I have to be realistic. Unfortunately he is not able to accept my unconditional capacity for loving him and I have to accept that.
Life's lessons never seem to stop.
June 11, 2006
Take me as I am
Ok,
I am quite tired and worn down by people right now. Why is it that people say they want to get to know you and then get frustrated when they can't put you in a category?
It doesn't make sense to me. I'm an enigma. I've always been one. I don't fit squarely into one category or the other and I've found that many people are the same. Unfortunately those people tend to feel some sort of unrealistic pressure to squeeze themselves into the aforementioned box in order to make everyone else happy. I refuse to alter my existence simply to make someone else happy. If I'm not happy with the alteration, it doesn't make sense for me to make it.
I guess some of you may say that's an arrogant and selfish way to live life but I'm happy. My friends and family are happy with who I am. The only people who have problems with me are those who feel the need to take one aspect of my character and make that be "who I am". I guess that's what we're taught. Everyone is a "type" and if you can't typecast them and "figure them out" then you shouldn't be bothered with them. I guess it's an overall issue of control. If you think you've got someone pegged then you can control some aspect of that person because you "know what makes them tick".
Hell, I don't always even know what makes me tick and I live inside my own skin. I think that's a bit arrogant and selfish to profess to know what makes someone tick and base your actions toward that person on that "knowledge".
I am quite tired and worn down by people right now. Why is it that people say they want to get to know you and then get frustrated when they can't put you in a category?
It doesn't make sense to me. I'm an enigma. I've always been one. I don't fit squarely into one category or the other and I've found that many people are the same. Unfortunately those people tend to feel some sort of unrealistic pressure to squeeze themselves into the aforementioned box in order to make everyone else happy. I refuse to alter my existence simply to make someone else happy. If I'm not happy with the alteration, it doesn't make sense for me to make it.
I guess some of you may say that's an arrogant and selfish way to live life but I'm happy. My friends and family are happy with who I am. The only people who have problems with me are those who feel the need to take one aspect of my character and make that be "who I am". I guess that's what we're taught. Everyone is a "type" and if you can't typecast them and "figure them out" then you shouldn't be bothered with them. I guess it's an overall issue of control. If you think you've got someone pegged then you can control some aspect of that person because you "know what makes them tick".
Hell, I don't always even know what makes me tick and I live inside my own skin. I think that's a bit arrogant and selfish to profess to know what makes someone tick and base your actions toward that person on that "knowledge".
May 28, 2006
How important is sex?
Fairly recently I decided that I would make myself available to meet someone new. Well I met a really nice guy a couple of months ago and I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and take the time to get to know him. Well he's a perfect example of the one that you can "take home to mamma". He has a good job, a house and stability. There's only one problem though.
I have no desire to jump his bones when I see him.
He's not unattractive but I don't have those strong sexual feelings toward him. I shared these thoughts with my friends and one of them thought that it might be good that I don't want to sleep with him as often as possible but I'm not so sure.
To me sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship but I wonder if I'm putting too much emphasis on it in this instance. We click pretty well in other categories so maybe the sex stuff would come later?
Is it shallow or unrealistic to want the stability, good conversation and comfort to be all wrapped around an unmistakeable physical attraction?
I have no desire to jump his bones when I see him.
He's not unattractive but I don't have those strong sexual feelings toward him. I shared these thoughts with my friends and one of them thought that it might be good that I don't want to sleep with him as often as possible but I'm not so sure.
To me sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship but I wonder if I'm putting too much emphasis on it in this instance. We click pretty well in other categories so maybe the sex stuff would come later?
Is it shallow or unrealistic to want the stability, good conversation and comfort to be all wrapped around an unmistakeable physical attraction?
May 22, 2006
Desperation is not pretty...
Well my career of choice is within the film, music and fashion industries. I've been drawn toward that industry ever since I was a freshman in college and despite a few attempts otherwise, that's where my heart lies. I learned early on that I would not be happy unless I was doing exactly what I wanted because then it wouldn't feel like work. The only thing that I would do in other industries is some form of event coordination or business consulting.
Recently I discovered that my calling is to use my skills and abilities to help other people succeed. I've been working in various administrative positions since I was a senior in high school which is why my company is a business consulting and management firm. I like to help people in the best way possible.
Well since I started working on my career more hardcore in the past few years, I have noticed an unsavory quality in many of my business dealings. There are a lot of people that I have had business dealings with who had a desperate quality to them. They are either desperate for money, attention, acceptance or anything else that they need outside sources for. This desperation is usually very evident and apparent and easy to exploit. I choose not to exploit it simply because I choose not to operate on that level.
Desperation...it's a very bad quality to allow yourself to possess. Everyone has hard times and rough patches in life but once you allow desperation to take over, you force yourself into a corner. Desperate people are easy to find and they allow themselves to get into compromising positions because all they see is that thing they are desperate for. Unfortunately I think it is what prevents many people from ultimately succeeding no matter how talented they may be. It's a sad thing that I've seen much more of in the entertainment industry than anywhere else. I'm sure it manifests itself in other areas but entertainment is so larger than life that it's twice as apparent.
Recently I discovered that my calling is to use my skills and abilities to help other people succeed. I've been working in various administrative positions since I was a senior in high school which is why my company is a business consulting and management firm. I like to help people in the best way possible.
Well since I started working on my career more hardcore in the past few years, I have noticed an unsavory quality in many of my business dealings. There are a lot of people that I have had business dealings with who had a desperate quality to them. They are either desperate for money, attention, acceptance or anything else that they need outside sources for. This desperation is usually very evident and apparent and easy to exploit. I choose not to exploit it simply because I choose not to operate on that level.
Desperation...it's a very bad quality to allow yourself to possess. Everyone has hard times and rough patches in life but once you allow desperation to take over, you force yourself into a corner. Desperate people are easy to find and they allow themselves to get into compromising positions because all they see is that thing they are desperate for. Unfortunately I think it is what prevents many people from ultimately succeeding no matter how talented they may be. It's a sad thing that I've seen much more of in the entertainment industry than anywhere else. I'm sure it manifests itself in other areas but entertainment is so larger than life that it's twice as apparent.
May 18, 2006
Assumptions can be destructive
Hello and welcome to my blog. I am a 28 year old living in Atlanta. I have my own management and business consulting firm and I do public relations consulting as well. I work primarily in the entertainment and fashion industries. Last weekend I graduated from grad school with my MBA. The weekend before that, I turned 28.
Life is really in a tailspin for me right now. I have been working constantly for the past three years and I'm officially burned out. My company is slowly experiencing success but it is slow and I am being taught patience in that area.
My dating life is all over the place. Up until a couple of years ago, I was totally against the idea of having a boyfriend. I'm still not out there trolling the clubs and sports bars looking for "the one" or anything but I did decide that I was open to the idea of being in a relationship again after 5 years. When I made that decision, I didn't do it out of desparation so I am still very picky when it comes to guys.
Well late last year I met this guy. He was nice looking but he looked like the typical nice guy, not the typical guy I gravitate toward. I decided to step outside my box and exchanged numbers with him anyway. As it turns out, we had TONS of things in common. It was like he was the male version of me. We could talk about everything and it was really fun spending time with him. Well after we'd been hanging out for a month or so, he disappeared.
This is a common phenomenon with me, guys disappearing. I call them my own personal Houdini's. I called him and emailed him with no response. After a couple of unreturned phone calls and no email messages, I gave up. Well in the summer I work at one of the local amphitheaters part time and he works there full time. I knew I would see him but since I had given up, I wasn't worried. Well he kept making it a point to speak to me. He even had the nerve to ask if I was going to be mad all season. I told him that I wasn't mad but that I really didn't have much to say to him.
Thanks to the miracle of myspace, he found me and sent me a message today. He wants to start up a dialogue with me. I'm not sure why he wants to talk to me especially after his unexplained disappearance before. He proceeds to tell me that he disappeared because I asked him for a status report on our situation and told him that I really liked him. He assumed that meant I was trying to lock him into a relationship.
What the hell? I was very disturbed by that assumption. Why do guys assume that every woman wants to marry him? He hadn't even shown me that he was boyfriend worthy let alone anything more serious. Goodness gracious...
Life is really in a tailspin for me right now. I have been working constantly for the past three years and I'm officially burned out. My company is slowly experiencing success but it is slow and I am being taught patience in that area.
My dating life is all over the place. Up until a couple of years ago, I was totally against the idea of having a boyfriend. I'm still not out there trolling the clubs and sports bars looking for "the one" or anything but I did decide that I was open to the idea of being in a relationship again after 5 years. When I made that decision, I didn't do it out of desparation so I am still very picky when it comes to guys.
Well late last year I met this guy. He was nice looking but he looked like the typical nice guy, not the typical guy I gravitate toward. I decided to step outside my box and exchanged numbers with him anyway. As it turns out, we had TONS of things in common. It was like he was the male version of me. We could talk about everything and it was really fun spending time with him. Well after we'd been hanging out for a month or so, he disappeared.
This is a common phenomenon with me, guys disappearing. I call them my own personal Houdini's. I called him and emailed him with no response. After a couple of unreturned phone calls and no email messages, I gave up. Well in the summer I work at one of the local amphitheaters part time and he works there full time. I knew I would see him but since I had given up, I wasn't worried. Well he kept making it a point to speak to me. He even had the nerve to ask if I was going to be mad all season. I told him that I wasn't mad but that I really didn't have much to say to him.
Thanks to the miracle of myspace, he found me and sent me a message today. He wants to start up a dialogue with me. I'm not sure why he wants to talk to me especially after his unexplained disappearance before. He proceeds to tell me that he disappeared because I asked him for a status report on our situation and told him that I really liked him. He assumed that meant I was trying to lock him into a relationship.
What the hell? I was very disturbed by that assumption. Why do guys assume that every woman wants to marry him? He hadn't even shown me that he was boyfriend worthy let alone anything more serious. Goodness gracious...
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